Words matter. Words have power. I realize this is not ground breaking information to most people. BUT, what most people don’t realize is there are small, every day words that carry a secret power to build – or break -connections between the speaker and listener.

Take for example, the word “we”.  To many, it feels like a connecting word. However, when used in storytelling, presentations, or marketing materials. “we” is actually a distancing word.

Distancing words are the ones that prevent connections between the speaker and their audience – generally the opposite of the goal of storytelling and marketing copy.

It seems counter-intuitive, I know. But let’s look at an example of some marketing copy:  “We approach every project with open minds and a commitment to your unique needs…” It uses “we”, so it must be a connecting statement. How much more inclusive can you get than WE?

The problem is that in this context, “we” refers to the speaker and their team, not the speaker and their audience. As the audience for this message, it is very hard to connect to this “we”. The human brain is basically a computer, and as such responds best to input of specific and clear information. “We” is neither clear nor specific: is it 2 people? 200 people? Is it a bunch of executives, or middle managers? Is it the literal “we” of the team I’ll be interacting with if I’m a client, or the more theoretical “we” of the company in general? All of these questions fire through the reader’s brain in a millisecond – most people aren’t aware it’s happening – but the outcome is that they do not connect to the message, which means they don’t care, and thus don’t absorb OR value that selling point. 

A better use of “we” would be “We will work together as partners to build your brand…” In this case, “we” works as a connecting word, because it refers to the speaker and the listener.

Another secret distancing word is “you”.  Many people who use storytelling elements in live presentations and speeches, think that structuring the story around the listener’s perspective is a slam dunk for connecting. But the truth is exactly the opposite.

Take a look at this example from a presentation given by a home security company: “You’re home alone, it’s night time, and you hear a noise. You immediately freeze, your mind racing through a million scenarios. You check your pets to see if they are inside. You hear it again and you freeze, too scared to even breath…” This story is somewhat effective because it does paint a picture and start to get the listener in the space of thinking about home security, but the use of “you” in this context undermines those strengths.

The problem is that when our computer brains hear “you” they don’t think “I”, they think “YOU”, as in “YOU, who is not ME.” And as a result, the brain responds to the imagery in the story much like it’s a movie: fictional and happening to someone else, and as result listeners will judge the person in story against how they think they would have behaved in that situation. In this specific example, many listeners will likely think along the lines of: “Phffft. I’m not scared by a single noise like the wimp in that story!”   The end result is that the listener spends more time evaluating, or challenging what they are hearing, rather than feeling the fear of the scenario and responding to the idea of getting a home security system for their own home.

The solution in this case is to swap “you” with “I”. When our brain hears “I”, it thinks “I” as in “Me”, not “I” as in the person speaking. When we hear a first person story we automatically imagine ourselves in the situation being described, without any judgement or resistance, and we imagine it in a way that is true for our own lives.

So if the home security sales person had said “I was sitting home one night, on a rare occasion that I was the only one home. I head a strange noise, and my first instinct was to check the dogs and make sure I hadn’t left one of them outside. I found them both snoozing silently, and then I heard the noise again, and I froze…” the listener would have immediately pictured themselves in their own home, reacting in their own way, and would have felt at least a vague level of fear or anxiety as a result of picturing the story so clearly. And that emotional response is the result of the listener connecting with the speaker.

So, if you’re communicating for the purpose of moving someone to take a specific action or buy what you’re selling, make sure you aren’t accidentally pushing them away!

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Do you have any other examples of distancing or connecting words? Share in the comments!